The Isolation of Deconversion

Raised in a Pentecostal Christian home and church, but always with an inquiring mind, it was perhaps a decade ago that I stopped attending church. It was only about a year ago that I began to publicly identify as a skeptic / atheist.

There are a number of reasons, but a lot of it was due to a fear of isolation. The vast majority of my family and friends are Christian. If you know me, you may also know that when I discover something that I find to be amazing, wonderful, or life-changing I like to share it with those I care for. But that's not going to work out very well if it undermines some of their core beliefs. It's one thing to convert a life-long Windows user to Mac, it's another thing to tell someone you think there's no God and no afterlife.

Since changing the way I identify myself, it feels to me that my fears have been somewhat realised. It's difficult to tell though whether this is actually because of the fear itself.

I'm afraid to share much about my current world view, or the journey to get there, because I don't want to alienate people. But then because I'm not sharing with those close to me the things that I'm currently thinking the most about, I'm isolating myself.

Maybe people will be fine with it? Maybe people will want to talk about it? Maybe people will prefer not to talk to me at all because they want to avoid exposing themselves to my ideas?

Probably the worst part is trying to control myself all the time. Don't talk about it too much. Don't be too aggressive.

Calling myself agnostic might be more palatable, but it'd be disingenuous. Calling myself atheist seems the best option, but in reality... probably doesn't go far enough either (see the Christopher Hitchens quote here).

Initially I was happy to live and let live, and I still think this is the most sensible option for a happy and conflict-free life, but then I won't be living true to my beliefs.

Perhaps that's just how it needs to be. I'd settle for just feeling less isolated.